On October 1st, I have two anniversaries.
One year anniversary of this blog: I began this blog with this first post
I wasn't quite sure that I would find enough to say, or that even anyone would care to read it. Over the course of the year, I've written 511 posts (this one will be 512) and enough people have cared to read it for me to feel like I'm not writing in black space. So I thank you for visiting me periodically and for leaving your comments--all of which I cherish.
25th wedding anniversary. One of the comics I enjoy is Speed Bump. The timing was almost impeccable:
Mark and I are putting up a fence to keep our bad dogs at bay. They like to chase cars and motorcycles. For some reason, this project has been a source of contention, and my input has been categorically dismissed. I'm going to make my husband a card with this on the front of it.
One year anniversary of this blog: I began this blog with this first post
I wasn't quite sure that I would find enough to say, or that even anyone would care to read it. Over the course of the year, I've written 511 posts (this one will be 512) and enough people have cared to read it for me to feel like I'm not writing in black space. So I thank you for visiting me periodically and for leaving your comments--all of which I cherish.
25th wedding anniversary. One of the comics I enjoy is Speed Bump. The timing was almost impeccable:
Mark and I are putting up a fence to keep our bad dogs at bay. They like to chase cars and motorcycles. For some reason, this project has been a source of contention, and my input has been categorically dismissed. I'm going to make my husband a card with this on the front of it.
Of course, part of being married is like being a parent or a good team mate. You have to be very choosy about the battles you pick. I'm choosy about my battles, but I'm also tenacious if I choose to enter one.
Interestingly enough, on the front page of the paper, there is an article about 25th wedding anniversaries. It was courtesy of New York times and you can read the article here. It's really about depressing statistics about the number of people who reach this time of marriage that is equivalent to one's reaching young adulthood. Less than one half the people married who would have been eligible to reach this anniversary will not. It is the first time this statistic has dipped below half.
While I'd like to say that it has been easy. It has not been. In fact, the advice I give young people is to be prepared to endure periods that are not so pleasant. I'm not talking abuse in any form, but just not getting along. I was 19 when I met my husband. He was 24. Now I'm 47, and he is 52. Well, everyone goes through transition in that ensuing time. And the space between the two of you expands and contracts. Relationships do not always adjust easily. Ours didn't; but we got through it. Are we in it for good? Who's to know? We are going to try to.
One of the best things that I've ever heard that helped ME deal with my issues is this. It was by Joseph Campbell from his Man and Myth series. (It should also be noted that he had a reputation for being a womanizer. Albert Einstein, too). Campbell speaks of the importance of compassion in a relationship. Also he emphasized that many of the problems in relationships (ex out abuse for this) is due to NOT what the other person does, but rather how WE react to it.
I think that many people get into relationships thinking that the other person needs to change. I'm not saying anything new here. But the object of change is not the other person, but ourselves. And if we really articulate what it is that bugs us about the other person (oh and I have my list as does he), there is not one thing on it that speaks to anything but something that is an irritant to the other person that could be cured by that person changing. So when I find myself irritated, I try to look first to myself prior to my getting out my let-me-make-you-change wand. That doesn't mean that I don't brandish the wand. Trust me, it is useful and people DO appreciate it when you get it out (right!). If you are going to brandish a wand, you must do it with compassion.
So there is my story. I don't think most people would have bet that we would have made it this long. At times I'm surprised, as is he. We built a house together, have almost finished raising two kids and now are trying to build a g-d fence @#@%#@#^%. But even during the worst parts of our marriage, we've with few exceptions treated each other with respect. I can count on one hand the number of times that we've breached that. I've seen couples treat each other badly.
Now, for people who get a divorce and remarry, the time span is 3.5 years. And, second marriages that end in divorce last about 8.6 yrs for men and 7.2 years for women (don't ask me why they are different). I'm going to be like the Fed and do a one and done on the marriage thing.
Interestingly enough, on the front page of the paper, there is an article about 25th wedding anniversaries. It was courtesy of New York times and you can read the article here. It's really about depressing statistics about the number of people who reach this time of marriage that is equivalent to one's reaching young adulthood. Less than one half the people married who would have been eligible to reach this anniversary will not. It is the first time this statistic has dipped below half.
While I'd like to say that it has been easy. It has not been. In fact, the advice I give young people is to be prepared to endure periods that are not so pleasant. I'm not talking abuse in any form, but just not getting along. I was 19 when I met my husband. He was 24. Now I'm 47, and he is 52. Well, everyone goes through transition in that ensuing time. And the space between the two of you expands and contracts. Relationships do not always adjust easily. Ours didn't; but we got through it. Are we in it for good? Who's to know? We are going to try to.
One of the best things that I've ever heard that helped ME deal with my issues is this. It was by Joseph Campbell from his Man and Myth series. (It should also be noted that he had a reputation for being a womanizer. Albert Einstein, too). Campbell speaks of the importance of compassion in a relationship. Also he emphasized that many of the problems in relationships (ex out abuse for this) is due to NOT what the other person does, but rather how WE react to it.
I think that many people get into relationships thinking that the other person needs to change. I'm not saying anything new here. But the object of change is not the other person, but ourselves. And if we really articulate what it is that bugs us about the other person (oh and I have my list as does he), there is not one thing on it that speaks to anything but something that is an irritant to the other person that could be cured by that person changing. So when I find myself irritated, I try to look first to myself prior to my getting out my let-me-make-you-change wand. That doesn't mean that I don't brandish the wand. Trust me, it is useful and people DO appreciate it when you get it out (right!). If you are going to brandish a wand, you must do it with compassion.
So there is my story. I don't think most people would have bet that we would have made it this long. At times I'm surprised, as is he. We built a house together, have almost finished raising two kids and now are trying to build a g-d fence @#@%#@#^%. But even during the worst parts of our marriage, we've with few exceptions treated each other with respect. I can count on one hand the number of times that we've breached that. I've seen couples treat each other badly.
Now, for people who get a divorce and remarry, the time span is 3.5 years. And, second marriages that end in divorce last about 8.6 yrs for men and 7.2 years for women (don't ask me why they are different). I'm going to be like the Fed and do a one and done on the marriage thing.
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8 comments:
Leisa,
2nd ave alerted me to Hero....came here to see what you had to say..I also have fido; fwiw, and I like what I see about the stock in their research....can you direct me how to find your commentary?
And, while visiting I read your commentary
"there is not one thing on it that speaks to anything but something that is an irritant to the other person that could be cured by that person changing".....could you clarify?....this is an issue that very much interests my wife and I...and fwiw...my thought is that when that moment of irritation strikes, the odds are strongly in favor that verbal processing it will just make things worse...unless one says something different, anything different is better. My other piece of philosophy is that the psychobabble culture puts too much emphasis on self responsibility. I prefer us responsibility. We can take turns being each other's therapist, or, for the worse, take turns in provoking the other. In the most extreme form of making my point a suicide in a family is murder. Well that's my babble and truly interested in your point and thanks for sharing.
jasper
Hi Jasper: HERO was downgraded today by Tristone. They have a $26 price target. http://tinyurl.com/2q98f2 is where you can see my post on it.
Such a tortured sentence I wrote. What I meant to say is if my husband does something irritating, it's not something that HE needs to change, but I'm the one that has to change my reaction to it. However, it is fair to say that some irritants require addressing, and this is part of honest communicating in a relationship about how one honestly feels. Too often we put the responsibility about how we feel on an innocent party. Our reactions to "things" may not be healthfully calibrated.
So when irritated, zip-it, reflect on it and address it if you cannot find a better way to have reacted to (processed) the irritant.
Maybe that sounds like psychobabble. I don't know. I've never been to a therapist and I don't read relationship books. I think that it would be hard for your spouse to be your therapist--they are hardly objective. However, it is important how each of you view your relationship and your behavior toward each other. Self responsibility is important, to me. Without it, you cannot have a viable "us" responsibility.
I did not understand this "In the most extreme form of making my point a suicide in a family is murder." Well, I've had a brother commit suicide. How any could construe that as murder (I presume you mean the family is responsible) is incomprehensible to me.
Oh boy, I really stuck my neck out. Yes, both individuals need to assert self responsibility....I just think that we underestimate how much healing power is in the other and that it can be very rewarding to give and accept it...no training required. As long as people are together, they can help one another as well as show more tolerance. I, too, sin in over reacting;while my wife is far more tolerant. Your commentary reminds me that I can reciprocate more on that score. At the end of the day, though, there are limits to what we can do to help the other/us. I made an extreme statement about suicide that had more drama than substance. FWIW, my wife's brother had the same fate. In his case, I feel that the school system let him down. He had severe learning disabilities and the school kept telling him that he needed to try harder. In effect they abandoned him. Anyway, I feel clumsy having made the statement; my regret and apologies.
jasper
Jasper--No harm done with your comment. But you comment struck me as harsh. It is very sad when someone takes their life.Worse still when they take others out with them. I'm sorry for your family's loss. I had a very difficult time dealing with this. My brother was an adult at the time with two young girls. Undiagnosed mental health issues, drug/alcohol abuse, seemingly insurmountable financial issues, person screw up that one cannot face the consequences for are but a few of the reasons that would absolve a suicide from being considered a murder in my personal view.
Leisa - Going back to more positive thoughts, I congratulate the two of you on your 25th anniversary! As you noted, that achievement puts you into a very select society (sadly to say).
My wife and I are both "2nd go rounders" but achieved the 25th last June. It wasn't all easy times, and I give credit to my wife for making it work and credit to me for having chosen her.
I managed retirement communities for many years and was fortunate to have met many truely amazing couples during that time. One such couple were approaching their "century marks" in age and were then celebrating their 75th year of marriage. When I sincerely (with awe) congratulated them, the old gentleman (from Kentucky) smiled and with a twinkle (honest!) in his eyes responed "Yes, and she almost has me 'broken-in." To which she replied instantly "That's ok, I'm still working on it!"
They moved to be closer to family shorthly after that conversation, but I hope that they lived to be 150+. Here's wishing the two you many good years to come!
past60
ditto on the congratulations.
27 years here to my one and only.
"I catch the fish, she cleans the fish, and together we eat the fish." [Jackie Gleason, in The Honeymooners]
Your blog is an enjoyable read.....Good Luck
Thanks for the congratulations and right back at you. I'll tell you though, this fence project has been very stressful. I find it ironic that we've built a home, an addition without going for the jugular. Somehow this simple fence project has brought out the worst in both of us! We're almost done, and no blood has been drawn!
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